Pass Time, a Tale of Human Trafficking
by StarWarsFan99
Summary: A hero must overcome many challenges and threshold guardians to be able to have his wedding.
1. Chapter 1- Prologue

It was a beautiful day for a wedding. The sun shined brighter than any other day, the birds sang their peaceful tune and, Saucy Bladder was preparing for the most important day of his life. As he straightened his tie in the mirror the best man came bursting through the door.

"Saucy! It's awful, your fiance and the bridesmaids have been kidnapped by genetically mutated eight foot tall lab rats!" said the best man.

"Shit!" exclaimed Saucy as he did a gesture where he looked down into his hands. "Which way did they go?" Saucy asked.

"Over there." Said the best man as he barely waved his arm.

"Okay, wait here with the rest of the wedding until I get back with them." said Saucy then he jumped out the window in the direction the best man indicated.

After walking through the forest for a few days Saucy arrived to a large city. He stopped the first passer by to ask him where he was. The passer by answered "Kelp Town". Saucy was awe struck; he could not believe he had found his way to the world's largest city. As he walked the streets he passed a bar. Saucy decided it would be the best place to ask for information on the kidnapping.

Saucy approached the bartender to ask "Hello, you wouldn't happen to know anything about a gang of genetically mutated lab rats would you?"

"You're going to have to be more specific" said the bartender.

"They were eight feet tall." said Saucy.

"Ah, The Rat Pack. They're a dangerous bunch."

"Do you know a mercenary that would go against them?"

"I only know of one crazy enough." The bartender then wrote an address on a bar napkin and handed it to Saucy.

Saucy followed it and found a little house in the city. Saucy knocked on the door and after some shuffling noises behind the door a tall man answered.

He was bald with a long brown beard that hid his mouth. On his head and arms were tattoos that looked Celtic. He wore leather armor with many pouches that Saucy assumed he made himself. His gauntlets were made from metal and made his hands look twice as large but he wore no shoes. He had weapons strapped all over his body. Also to note was how hairy his arms and feet were.

"I heard I could hire you as a mercenary." Saucy said meekly.

"That you can lad, for three hundred dollars." answered the bearded behemoth.

"Can I borrow your gun?" Saucy asked.

"Sure you can." Said the mercenary as he handed the gun.

Saucy pointed the gun to the man's head and said "Give me three hundred dollars."

"Okay lad." said the hired man as he pulled out his chain mail wallet (that had a beard) and gave saucy the money.

Saucy gave him the gun back, saying thanks, and then paid the mercenary the money saying "Here you are."

"Thank you lad" replied the bearded folk.

"I'm Saucy Bladder, what do I call you?" said Saucy.

"My name is Throbbing Dick but, some folk call me Erect Cock." Replied Throbbing Dick

"Okay the group I need your help to hunt down are The Rat Pack."

"The Rat Pack! It's about time someone set those bastards straight!" exclaimed Throbbing Dick. "Follow me to my garage."

Saucy thought that they were going to get his car but when the garage door opened there was no car but, in place there was a battle ax the size of a car.

"There she is" Said Throbbing as he lifted it up and strapped it to his back. "Okay, let's find us a Rat Pack."

The Rat Pack lived in a giant block of cheese. The cheese could grow back where holes had been made and the only way to enter was to eat your way into it; so only the toughest of rats could enter. Throbbing had explained this to Saucy on their way there. Luckily the rat pack was standing only idle to their base and not in it; if they were in it the follow scene would most likely never happen. The scene I am referring to is this.

Get this: The second Throbbing Dick saw the Rat Pack he jumped into the air. How far? far enough that Saucy couldn't see him anymore. When he came back into orbit the pavement was ripped from the earth creating a crater where the Rat Pack was standing. Lucky for Saucy he wasn't standing too close because this impact would have killed a normal man but, the Rat Pack were mutants so they survived.I know what you're wondering and to calm you down I'll answer this now The Bride and her Bridesmaids were not here so they were not killed. Now back to the fighting while I was saying this Throbbing had killed about 4 of them and was currently decapitating a fifth. Next he grabbed two of them and pinned them down with his legs and grabbed the last in a choke hold. He asked where the girls were. To which the rat in his hands responded "we sold them".

"To whom?" Throbbing asked.

"It's in that recite book over there" Cried the rat. Throbbing threw the rats into the bay 3 blocks over. Saucy looked at the book and Throbbing watched on. The records were surprisingly well kept for evil gangster rat mutants.

"It seems they sold each of them to different individuals, for what I dare not think" said Saucy.

"Then let me think for you" responded Throbbing Dick, "Now the obvious thing to think is sex slave but, also there could be some psycho that tortures them. Then it could be like some kind of-"

"Thank you, Throbbing." interrupted Saucy, "Now the first Bridesmaid is Sarah, she was sold to a Mr. Moneybags. Well let's go"

"I'm afraid I can't my lad. My adventure ends today." responded Throbbing.

"What, why?" responded Saucy.

"Ever since I was a young boy it was my dream to hunt down a never ending block of cheese and today I found it. I can rest now." and with that Throbbing Dick climbed atop the block of cheese and began eating.

"I understand perfectly Throbbing but I can't do this on my own." said Saucy

"Yes you can." responded Throbbing "I saw you bravery as you watched me kill the rodent abominations of nature. But if you truly ever find yourself in trouble use this." with that Dick threw Saucy a satellite phone.

"Thank you Throbbing Dick, I will never forget you" said Saucy and he ran off.


	2. Chapter 2- Money

Anyway currently Saucy was swimming in a pile of money in a safe the size of a football field with the sound of Nick at Night playing in the background. Nick at Night is a television program. You, the reader, are probably wondering how this came to be.

Allow me to explain: It didn't take long for Saucy to find Mr. Moneybags because he was the richest man in all of Kelp Town and, one of the richest in the world. He was in charge of M.B. Corps a very big company that did business all across the world. Saucy followed the recipe book to his address, which was in a large skyscraper full of condos he owned. He lived on the top floor. When Saucy approached the building Mr. Moneybags was leaving with a woman wrapped around his arm. She wore a red dress, high heels, diamond earrings and necklace and, this gold dangly bracelet thing I don't really know how to describe. The price of all this was in the thousands which was paid for by Mr. Moneybags. Mr. Moneybags was an elderly man who wore a tuxedo, top hat, monocle and, walking stick. He was bald and sported a white mustache.

Mr. Moneybags appearance began as a inside joke with a friend. The joke being that he was so rich he might as well be the man that appeared on the monopoly board game. Because of this he began to dress like him and even grew the mustache.

Back to the story at hand. Get This: This woman in red was Sarah, the first Bridesmaid Saucy must rescue. Why? Because I wanted to write a story about it. Sarah had red hair that was styled to be perched atop her head. As she walked she stared at the ground looking depressed. She looked up for a second to see Saucy, her face brightened. It was Saucy's time to act. On the walk over saucy thought hard about what to say when this moment would arrived. He thought of nothing but this:

"Hey!" Saucy screamed, turned "Give her back jerk!"

Mr. Moneybags turned to look over his shoulder to make sure Saucy was talking to him. "Are you referring to me?" asked pointing to himself.

"Yeah! You, like, bought Sarah there" Saucy said pointing to her "and she's my friend so I'll be needing her back."

turned to look at Sarah, she nodded to agree with Saucy. "Well meet me at this address at four." said Moneybags.

"But- okay." said saucy. got into his limo Sarah followed but stared at Saucy. Saucy shrugged to her. The door shut and the limo drove off.

Four o'clock rolled around soon enough and Saucy made his way to the address on the card, which was another skyscraper this time filled with business related stuff. In the foyer was a pretty secretary that directed Saucy to a large board room with a long table. The only people there was Moneybags at the end of the table. Sarah sat at his end of the table. Saucy took his seat across from Moneybags at the very end. They would have to shout to be heard.

"I have talked to Sarah to understand the situation with you two." said Moneybags "Forgive me, I am not a bad man, this is my first time doing something unlawful like this." He paused waiting for Saucy to acknowledge that he was a nice guy.

"uh- Okay but what do you want Sarah for?" asked Saucy.

"Don't worry, I simply wanted an attractive woman to be seen with me. responded Moneybags.

"Only seen?" asked Saucy

"Only seen" said Sarah

"Well on to the point" said Moneybags "I am a man of business thus I see Sarah as a sort of investment. I would be happy to discuss a price. Seeing she is a one of a kind item it would be very high."

Saucy looked into his wallet and only found nothing. "How much we talking?" he said.

Moneybags replied " lets see I paid 500 for her so I will go no lower than 10,000. 9,500 sounds like a good profit."

"Where the hell do I find that kind of money!" said Saucy.

"If I were you? Well do what any business man would do." Moneybags mocked "Here's a start" he threw Saucy 10 bucks.

Saucy became frustrated and said "Why can't we just fight like I thought we would?"

"Oh Heavens no I am just an old man" replied Moneybags. Saucy looked on the walls and the pictures of Moneybags winning the "1929 Mr. Universe" seemed to say otherwise. "well if you have no other business I'll ask you to be on your way." said Moneybags.

"I'll be back Sarah!" said Saucy as he walked out. "where the hell am I supposed to get 10,000 dollars" thought Saucy. The only understanding of Business Saucy had was from a class he took in high school and, all he remembered from that was a lot of talk of buying and selling. Saucy thought: he had nothing to sell so he must buy. A vendor on the corner was selling knitwear. He walked over and saw a scarf for 10 bucks. He bought it. Then he walked into an alleyway and got a piece of cardboard and wrote with a sharpie he always carried on his person: Scarf 20 dollars. You may ask who always carries a sharpie well I, the writer, do so this moment is based off a little part of me. Any way he stood there in his suit covered in debris from the woods trying to sell this scarf.

Saucy looked to see a woman walking down the street. A woman who had forgotten to buy her mother a present for coming out to see her. She was desperately trying to find something to buy her and when she saw Saucy she thought god had smiled on her. Although she did become upset when as she walked on she came across the stand where Saucy had gotten it originally.

Now Saucy had 20 bucks and needed to buy again. Lucky for him John Dayman a bank robber needed to change cars and was leaving his old one in a alleyway. But Saucy walked up to him oblivious to who he was. "I'll give you 20 bucks for the car."

John was startled because he didn't know Saucy was there. "What?" he said.

"The car, will you take 20 for it?" asked Saucy.

"well sure." It was free money for John because he was planning on just leaving the car for dead.

Now if I went through this whole process we would be here all day, so I'll skip ahead some.

Saucy was sitting in a skyscraper, which he bought out from M.B. Corps, at a very expensive and big desk. The Skyscraper was fitted with a huge sigh of Saucy's design saying 'Saucy Industries'. He was wearing an expensive suit that was a few sizes too big, his hair looked as if fixed by his mother and he sunk into the huge leather chair he sat at. Overall it was a very silly image.

"sir we just bought 100 shares in Microsoft, what do you suggest?" asked a man working for Saucy.

"Sell" said Saucy.

"Right away sir" said the man as he walked out.

Another man came in "Sir we sold the automobile factory what should we do now?"

"Buy" said Saucy.

"Yes sir" and with that the man was out.

You see, using this system of buy and sell Saucy had become a very wealthy man in a matter of 3 days. He even reached the original goal of 100,000 dollars to buy Sarah back on the first day but by that time he forgot about her.

"Sir here it is" said a man walking into Saucy's office.

"What is it?" asked Saucy.

"Well I asked if you'd like to buy it this morning and, you said yes so I did sir." said the employee.

"Well bring it closer so I can have a look at it." said Saucy and the man did. "heh... uhh... hmmm... What exactly is it?"

"Well the gentleman selling it," began the employee "called it blue guy."

"Huh, what does it do?" asked Saucy.

"I don't know sir." said the man "maybe try asking it?"

"Is it alive?" asked Saucy.

"I think so" said the man.

"Uh, hello blue guy." said Saucy softly.

Hello sir, I am blue guy." said blue guy. Blue guy was a man but he wore no clothes, had no face, hair, ears, fingernails or, genitalia and was completely blue.

"What do you do" asked Saucy.

"I am blue guy, I do anything your heart desires" said blue guy.

"Really, hmm, tell me about yourself." said Saucy.

"Well where to start, in the beginning there was time and space but not many people know there was a third thing, I was the third thing. The next eventful thing after my birth was I lost a game of uno with king George the Third and thus was forced to work for his family for the rest of my life. Over the years though I have traded master until finding myself working for you sir." said blue guy.

"Can you do the running man?" asked Saucy.

"Oh I can do the running man." said blue guy as he did the running man.

"Oh my god your doing the running man." said Saucy as blue guy did the running man.

"Woah he's doing the running man, Bill get in here hes doing the running man." said the employee

"Woah he's doing the running man, get in here Jim!" said Bill.

As you would think Saucy was becoming very rich which made M.B. corps and very upset. Allow me to switch to his perspective.

"Uh... Mr. Moneybags sir, Saucy Industries has bought out another wing of M.B. Corps what do you suggest sir?" asked a man who worked for Moneybags.

Moneybags was silent for a while before responding "Invite Saucy to the board meeting."

-The next day at the M.B. Corps board meeting-

Saucy stood in the same room he met Moneybags in days earlier. Except Sarah wasn't there and the table this time was filled with many men in well fitted suites.

"Welcome Mr. Bladder." said Moneybags.

"Happy to be here, thanks for asking." said Saucy.

Moneybags was silent for a minute. "You've done well for yourself."

"Yes" said Saucy.

Moneybags nodded" And you- wh.. why is that blue man doing the running man?"

"Oh him?" said Saucy pointing to blue guy "He's my secretary."

"Damnit where was I?" said Moneybags "Ah yes. You see no one else has ever been able to get that rich in this town before since I moved in 60 years ago, do you know why?"

Saucy seemed to really ponder the question before saying "Because the ozone layer?"

"No idiot!" shouted Moneybags losing his patience "It's because I kill all other competition! Now kill him!" shouted Moneybags pointing at Saucy.

At that moment the other board members stood from their seats and removed their suites relieving who they really were. Among them was Carlos Vancinco, the fastest gun in the east. Black Jack, the only swords man stilled employed by the British Government. Fred "You're Dead" Jedson, a serial killer with over 700 speculated murders. And finally Bomb Boy, the human bomb.

The first thing that happened was that Fred "You're Dead" Jedson shot himself, no one reacted to his death. Next Bomb Boy ran up to attack. He exploded with enough force to tear down the whole building but, lucky for Saucy and blue guy, he missed. That left Black Jack and Carlos Vancinco.

"Blue guy do something to Carlos, I'll take Black Jack!" yelled Saucy.

"Yes master." responded blue guy.

Saucy confronted Black Jack who had his sword drawn. "Want to know why they call me Black Jack?" asked Black Jack.

"I'd love to know why." responded Saucy.

"Ha ha." said Black Jack as he pressed a button on his sword. This made the blade of his sword spin like a drill bit. Black Jack thrust his blade towards Saucy but he sidestepped. Saucy slapped Black Jack on the back of the head which gave him a mild headache so he went home.

Meanwhile blue guy approached Carlos to fight. Carlos emptied his Smith and Weston into blue guy but, it was like the bullets just disappeared. Blue guy then with only a thought erased Carlos from existence.

"Well cool I won." said Saucy. "Guess I keep getting to do business here."

"Get the hell out of here." said Moneybags furious.

"Don't I have to fight you?" asked Saucy.

"Heavens no, we've been over this I'm but an old man." said Moneybags.

"Well I'll be leaving but, you better watch your self." said Saucy as he and blue guy walked out. "Thank you for your help blue guy" Saucy said when they were out.

"It was my duty sir." said blue guy.

"I want to show my thanks, from this day forward consider yourself a free man." said Saucy.

"I will never forget you master, thank you a million times." said blue guy. As he ran off he called to Saucy "Don't forget that important task!"

"Oh yeah!" said Saucy "I can finally buy my very own corduroy sweater." This is not what blue guy meant.

-The Next Day-

The next day at M.B. Corps was very uncomfortable. Moneybags sat at his usual spot at the head of the table. He was bright red and squeezing a stress ball. Sarah sat on a coach in the corner looking very board. "Saucy Industries has already bought out our entire industrial wing sir." said one of Moneybags employees. Moneybags grunted.

"37% of our work force left to work for him due to better pay and healthcare sir." said another employee. Moneybags grew redder and grunted again.

Suddenly their was a loud commotion in the hallway. A employee opened the door and stuck his head in to say "Did you hear the news? Saucy Bladder just became the richest man on the planet!" The man then left.

At this point Moneybags could not hold it in. He tore of his shirt revealing large muscles. "I am going to kill that bastard!" he yelled and jumped out the 40th floor.

Back to Saucy. Saucy was in his apartment, on the top floor of one of his many skyscrapers, wearing now better fitting cloths: a track suit and jeans. He was watching SpongeBob, his favorite show but, then it ended and George Lopez came on, his least favorite show. Saucy thought: heh, Lopez that kinda sounds like Sarah... O Shit! Saucy suddenly remembered that he was suppose to buy back Sarah. He ran to his 30 foot tall safe that was in his apartment. He opened it. He climbed in to get 100,000 dollars out, it was up to his waist. As he was running through the cash he got very comfortable and stopped everything. He just sat there staring at the ceiling. Slightly sinking into the pile of cash. Nick at Night could be heard in the background. And so were here, where we started. Now for the rest of the story.

Despite the safe being lined with 40 inch steel Moneybags was able to break through the side of it. Now he was strong but any other day he would not be able to break through it like this. But today he had the most powerful force on his side. No not friendship, not love, not numbers or money, not strength but rage. Rage is the most powerful force in the universe. I f we could harness rage would could power the planet for the rest of time very easily. Anyway Moneybags broke through the steel. To be exact the ceiling where Saucy was looking. So Moneybags fell through and landed on Saucy. He immediately began to pound on Saucy hurting him very much.

"Why are you doing this! I have the money!" screamed Saucy.

"I hate you!" screamed Moneybags.

Luckily for Saucy, he was on the swim team in high school and college and, very good at it might I add. So he was incredible at changing the his breath to adjust the position his body was floating at in the water. He was able to use this skill very well at this time. He adjusted his breath and sank into the pile of money in a matter of seconds.

This left Moneybags very startled and disturbed. He looked frantically around for any sigh of Saucy but he was gone. Well he was until he rose back up. Again doing it very disturbingly. He rose standing straight up already on his feet when he rose. Then he ran out of the safe. Moneybags heard his crying and ran after him.

Saucy jumped on the motorcycle he had parked in the living room as decoration, lucky for him it started immediately. He drove in a circle around the living room as the Shirtless billionaire chased him with the intent of murder as the Happy Days theme played in the background. By this point Sarah walked in, having followed . She having no way to respond to what was going on sat down and starting watching Happy Days.

Moneybags was right on Saucy's tail as he rode in circles through his living room but then he had an idea. He rode towards the room labeled "teleporter Prototype". This room happened to be a round room. Saucy speed up and flipped around the room on the motorcycle, something that is probably impossible but for the sake of this story it is. He jumped out shut the door with Moneybags and the motorcycle inside and flipped the switch. Now this teleporter is a prototype so not even I, the writer, know how it works. At any rate Moneybags and the motorcycle were gone.

Saucy stumbled into the living room and sat next to Sarah. He slouched into the huge coach. "Wheres Moneybags?" asked Sarah not taking here eyes of the Fonz who she secretly had a crush for.

"I put him through a prototype scientific monstrosity that probably killed him and if it didn't then he's god knows where." said Saucy.

"Was there any risk of anything happening to people who stand near?" asked Sarah.

"Apparently there is some risk of molecule disruption which means, like, some of your body switches with something else. Like in The Fly with Jeff Goldblum." said Saucy. "Why you ask?"

"Because part of your leg is a motorcycle." said Sarah.

"Shit" said Saucy.

It was true from the knee down was a metal shaft with a wheel in place of his foot. Surprisingly he could walk fine. "Well what ever" said Saucy grabbing the recite book "Well who's next?"

"whats that?" asked Sarah.

"The book that has where everyone is in it." said Saucy "Next is Kate, she was bought by…


End file.
